I thought exam season would be more taxing than this, but it hasn't caught to me yet. Or maybe I'm just good at time management (I highly doubt it). I have already studied the basics of Additional Maths, which means I have the green light to start on my A. Maths practice papers! Next week, my Elementary Maths papers will occur on Wednesday and Friday. I am confident, but you never know, right? I've been told not to stress, because it makes my stomach hurt, and I start to feel ill. Honestly, I haven't been haha ~ Tomorrow, I'm gonna drill E. Maths papers in my Ten Year Series, and maybe an A. Maths paper or two. I didn't do any work today, but I did learn something.

I finally wnet outside today, yippie!!!! Despite my abstinence from the outside grass, I actually really love the outdoors. I can't really explain it, but I feel that there's this barrier, wall blocking me from the world and me. Nature is a capricious creature, majestic as she is. It's unpredictable, and that's the part that scares me from going out there~! It's like when I stare at a blank slate, trying to think of something, but I can't even when I want to paint. I feel like a sack of potatoes watching my potential expire beyond my perspective, it's bizarre and disheartening. However, I told myself to go on a walk to the mall, and I followed through!

I am a little ashamed to admit, but I had immediately hit the thrift store. I don't need anymore clothes, I know. But, I have been thinking of cosplaying. It looks so fun dressing up as fictional characters! I want to do that too!! I already had the ingredients for an Equestria Girls cosplay, Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy. This was my go-to thrifting slash clothing store, so I know I was gonna find some steals. I had bought my prom dress here, and my partner really likes it when I put it on haha ~ Anyway, the premonition rang true, there were lovely, solid finds. My mission was to get a green or pink skirt. I had found the former wedged between some tops and skirts. I knew it was the one, it had this subtle floral tone to it, as well as a milky, seafoam paint colour that leaned toward green more than blue. Honestly, I didn't try it on in the store because they only had 2 mirrors. However, when I got home, it fit perfectly on me !

After somewhat struggling to buy a pair of preppy knee-length, pink socks, I had acquired a pair. I then strolled the mall, perused the selection of stores. It had been a while since I'd been here so there were bound to be some changes. Thankfully, the thrift store and sock house were still kicking! They did change a food chain to Hot Tomato. I've never tried this place, and I can't say I will. I'm open-minded to it though, but I would not have to eat alone. A friend would have to come with. Additionally, they changed an apparel chain to a store called KKV. And man, this place is an impulse destroyer. At least for me! It had a wall of popular plushies, including My Little Pony (Classic Series) plushies with Pinky Pie and Fluttershy. They look a little off, so I wasn't that tempted but wow, this place does not hold back, it was a child's paradise. They sold LEGO sets, blind boxes, jewellery, nail polish, journaling stationery, etc. I didn't know this type of place existed!! I was in awe walking around the premises. I did then find this Magical Girl stand and yeahhh,,,, I did cave. I didn't buy the notebooks though, I held my breath and bought these glittery pins. Now, my bag is populated with handmade pins, so these puppies will be emblazoned on my jacket. I am such a sucker for glittery magical anime girls!!

I was then heading home. My purchases have been safely folded into my neat bag as I boarded the second level of the bus. I leaned into the window, and that was when it hit me. Today has been one of the better days this year, and all I did was go outside. I think we underestimate the power of fresh air, don't we? There's this aura around this moment, that moment when you're going home with your things. A pang of satisfaction mixed with a tint of melancholy anchored in your heart. Like, you didn't want it to end, but it's over. I think about all the good days I've had in my life, and I feel upset. How they're only memories, and that I can let go of them anytime. That one time my family went to the Marina Cove Playground before going to eat McDonalds together, when we went to the Indonesian volcanic hot spring together (that water was damn hot), when we used to go to Mustafa together. There's more of course, but they're too fuzzy to remember any true details. They all live in my efficient head, that overrides when there isn't enough space left. It's hard to accept that the only way forward is to continue creating good memories with my family as long as tangible objects that remind me. I miss those days, and I wish I could bring myself to go out with my parents more. As much as I brush them off as a teenager, I know when I grow older, I'll miss them. Not to end on a downer, but It's how I've been feeling. I'm afraid of them dying, and about the future ahead.

Not to make you entirely sad, I am working on a drawing. It includes some familiar cartoon characters in my style! From left to right: Geo(Team Umizoomi), Blueberry Muffin(Strawberry Shortcake), Jenny Wakeman(Life of a Teenage Robot), Tootie(Yo Gabba Gabba)

As for the cosplay, I'll try my best to emulate my inner-Fluttershy! So there's this indie rock festival happening soon, and I would love to attend. Unfortunately, it's beyond my curfew, but if it doesn't fall through, perhaps Fluttershy is coming to Baybeats 2025? I mean, if we can't see the performances, maybe it'll be nice to just walk around the Esplanade and try the fringe activities with my friend. I don't know! I haven't asked my parents yet because I'm slightly afraid of their opinion, but I'll have to eventually right? I've been typing for a while now, it's probably time to hit the hay. Goodnight reader, cherish your loved ones xoxo

Listening to: Bitch With A Gun ⋆｡°✩ Jazmin Bean

I am a lucky duck, I don't acknowledge as often as I should, you know? If you can read this, you know you're a privileged goose, to be able to have an internet connection and use Neocities. I say so, currently, because, when I was younger, I fell into a hard suicidal bender. Not an actual bender, I just love that word. I wouldn't call it a depression, but I lost my interest in drawing, I couldn't motivate myself to do anything, even shower, I stayed in bed so lethargic. I didn't feel like I had a purpose. I felt as if I was a human fridge, opened up and my guts are there for the taking, grabbed and pulled until I'm a hollow shell of my former self, bleeding and helpless. Being taken advantage of is was one of my triggers, I'm getting better at responding to favours from certain people. It feels so long ago that, it almost feels like it didn't happen. It was only, what, 3 years ago? Yet I don't feel connected to my past self. Almost as if I was faking it. But it did happen, my teacher had to pull me out of classes, I didn't go to school. That was real, you know? Don't worry, I totally ok now, well, not really, but you know what I mean. Just a few panic attacks here and there. Still no scars, that's got to be an achievement right?

Okay, let me actually talk about my life haha ~ It's currently national exam season so I am being cooked by the flames of burnout right now, my crumbs. I have never handcuffed myself to the chair for a proper studying period before, but now I have! Studying is actually not that bad, I just need some background music to keep me focused. I have finished all 22 chapters of Chemistry, which I am glad of! I'm on the highway to the finish line of Biology. One more chapter to go. Reproduction of Humans was kind of a bore, I was mentally snoring throughout. Not that it isn't cool, I've just been batting my head against this thick textbook for a month now, nothing personal. I do find the pregnancy part so enlightning though! Females are such creatures, they're incredibly beautiful and strong. How some people choose to have more than one baby is really beyond me, in a positive way, they're so enduring. I'm a female myself, and I've been thinking of kids. That maternal instinct in me is fluttering like a pearl necklace, and my partner wants to have a family too. Maybe one day I'll submit to my hormonal spikes and make a baby someday, I can imagine it.

I super duper scooper really wanna draw. I discovered Yeon Yeoin's work a few days ago, and I have been absolutely face-melted. Please check out her work, she's such a beast. I am such a big fan of Surrealism, and it got me inspired to pick up my slack. I have so much incompleted sketches in my sketchbook, I wanna devote myself to them once exams are all over. Originally, I wanted to share my work with you guys and the internet but I veto'ed my own decision. With all this AI stuff going around and my general hatred for taking pictures of my artwork, I'm holding them back for myself. Maybe in a fit of exhilaration, I'll update my Instagram account. That's unfortunate isn't it? I love all the human artists out there working hard to create. I do hope you guys catch my artwork sometime in the future though. I would love to inspire more artists like how Yeon Yeoin did for me, that would be a gift that keeps on giving. These itchy hands are begging for a creative session. Goodnight guys, I hope you're safe, xoxo

For a while, I struggled to really understand art. I know it's a creative way to express a person's inside insanity, turmoil and trauma and even just tomfoolery! Art has many uses. I just, can't really grasp the "getting it" part. It's the connections people create between unrelated objects and scenarios that surprises me. "What can an object or word choice say about the character?" or "what does the state of the object say about the artist?". I remember this one time. I am very into horror werbseries and I yum it up, especially if it uses unprecendente premises or techniques to deliver the scares. GEB Operating System is a YouTube horror series that I happened to stumble upon because of Tedorate. In one of the last episodes, a turtle in a box asks Nora to save Gua for him. Nora goes out into the world and enters an abandoned-looking house. The walls are caked in dirt and rust, and so is the floor. The doorways a just black, with no way of entry to look inside. You just have to brace as you creak into each room as the screen fades in-between transitions. We find a metal table, which is incredibly clean, actually. Then we find Gua, the rabbit. Their head is locked in a type of headlock, before we heard the gate rustling.

Or a classic example, "The Persistence of Memory" by Salvador Dalí. I'm pretty sure everyone can recognise this painting, art enjoyer or not. One of the most recognised Surrealist artworks in the world. Clocks are melting in the painting in a deserted landscape. What an interesting name, the persistence of memory. That means an unforgettable time in life, a moment that u cannot forget. Is that why the clocks are melting? Because time ceases to exist in a memory, it is stuck, unmoving. I don't know, and I'm sure it has been analysed to death by now. I don't bother to read any theories though. I enjoy the painting the way it is, unexplainable. There's a stroke of je ne sais quoi that draws me in. I just made 2 art puns in a sentence hehe ~ You get what I'm coming from right? You can keep staring at it, and it will never get old, literally and figuratively.

Where am I getting at here? What am I trying to say? For a while, I struggled to understand why this website even exists. I knew I wanted to make a website, I just didn't know what to code in it. But I think, now I kinda do? My life does not hold weight to people who don't know who I am, like you reader (if you don't know me in real life). However, knowing my existence at least grazed upon so many eyes is so, heartwarming. I don't want to be famous or popular, but I would like some people to recognise my work or my name, and my life as I know it to be archived here until Neocities follows in Geocities shadow. The internet has become a cesspool we are slowly distancing ourselves from, year after year. However, the internet never forgets. So, if this website outlives, or, when this website outlives me, will you still come back to it to understand me? Will you see my fingerprint in all this? I made this blog page, I chose the background, the content colour. Can you really separate the artist from the art if it tells you about the artist? I'm existential today, I'm sorry. xoxo